Change will do ya good....

“Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them—if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry.” 
― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

Last week, in a cleaning frenzy, I found my copy of J.D. Salinger's, "The Catcher in the Rye".  I hadn't thought about that story in years, or how reading it seemed to change my life or at least,  changed my thinking.  So with book in hand, I begin to flip through the pages, reading a timeless story as a fifty year old woman rather than a naive yet pretendious and troubled teenaged girl.   


At this stage in the journey, the quote above struck a different chord, one of familiarity and certainty rather than a prediction.  Maybe it was this very quote that moved me as a teen and heightened by senses to those struggling around me, I am not sure.

Maybe it was the very struggle to belong, the desire to love and be loved. On this day, at age fifty, those words feel as though they were extracted from my own heart, mind and life! 

ENOUGH

“She made broken look beautiful
and strong look invincible.
She walked with the Universe
on her shoulders and made it
look like a pair of wings.” ~Ariana Dancu

 

Dear Beautiful Broken Friend,

Thank you for showing me the scars from your journey and sharing the story of your healing.  It is through sharing that we heal ourselves and encourage others that the struggle isn't without blessing. As women, we divide ourselves many times over and sometimes need to be reminded we are valued and whole no matter the disjointed pieces of circumstance.  Sometimes I am only strong because I see strength in you....and it gives me hope to think one day I might reciprocate your kindness through example. 

I am grateful for your love, friendship and presence in my life no matter the distance.  Thank you, my earthly angels, for always confirming I AM ENOUGH.

As are YOU.....and so it goes!!!

Always,

Maria

MOSAICS

I walked for hours along the water's edge this morning, watching the sun come up and surveying the shells washed ashore from the tide, displayed in an endless mosaic masterpiece, stooping occasionally to collect one that stood apart from the millions.  As I walked I contemplated the last month, and the way I had been holding my breath.

In a month's time I had walked away from a job I hated and my only source of income, a destructive relationship with my father, helped care for and say goodbye to my dear friend Jo, held my faithful companion, Fisher as he passed away from Lymphoma AND started a new job!  I finally exhaled...

I consider myself strong and yet today as I exhaled, I felt fragile.  Several years ago, I experienced personal ruin and recognize that gnawing gut feeling that comes with loss and the urge to just runaway. But this leg of my journey is different, I am different!  Although fragile, I resisted the urge to run, prayed hard for guidance, and was never without the support of uplifting and loving friends.  I am truly grateful for such good friends and thankful they can recount my gifts and talents, beauty, work ethic and values, hold my hand and lift me up on the days I am too worn to travel. 

This morning as I strolled, the shells told the story of my friendships, the women in my life.  Like those seashells tossed ashore, we are all fragmented, worn, void of purpose, empty and fragile from the different seasons in our lives.  I believe God's hand selects our placement, side by side, varying our differences, strengths and weaknesses, teaching us to reach outside ourselves in love and kindness to offer support to one another in this life.  When we share our stories, we help ourselves by helping someone else, and we learn that everyone adds value, uniqueness and beauty to the whole mosaic.  We are whole in HIM.  We are his masterpiece.

FISHER

"No matter how close we are to another person, few human relationships are as free from strife, disagreement, and frustration as is the relationship you have with a good dog. Few human beings give of themselves to another as a dog gives of itself. I also suspect that we cherish dogs because their unblemished souls make us wish - consciously or unconsciously - that we were as innocent as they are, and make us yearn for a place where innocence is universal and where the meanness, the betrayals, and the cruelties of this world are unknown.”
~ Dean Koontz

 

Last week, I learned my very best friend has cancer!!

As I sat in the waiting room at the vet's office trying to process the a diagnosis of Lymphoma, my mind was racing through the moments of the past 6 years and how Fisher filled the spaces of each of those moments.  What in the world would I do without him?  My heart was just broken....

When the doctor returned to the room, we chatted about treatments, costs, and the overall expectations of Lymphoma in a dog.  As I listened, I was encouraged.  Dr. Walker spoke to me about the concept of treatment for dogs and how it differs from that of human patients with cancer.  He explained to me that there is no cure, just chemotherapy treatments that can offer a remission period of a comfortable, normal life, even if just for a little while.  Then he said something that really struck me...he said, "with dogs, we are looking for quality of life, not just longevity".  What a true statement about life in the simplest of terms!

What if we ALL focused on the quality of everyday...making it count?  What if we set our minds to find enjoyment and resist the urge to worry or focus on things out of our control?  What if we greeted one another with smiles and love, instead of gossiping, judging, or carrying grudges?  What if we truly understood the importance of a hug, not just for ourselves, but for others?   What if we truly believed our needs would be met, as we recite in the Lord's prayer, "give us THIS DAY our daily bread"?  Can you even imagine?

Perhaps, Fisher IS just a dog and I have bestowed him human characteristics, but he has taught me more about unconditional love, honesty, loyalty and quality of life than any one person I know!  As Christians, we are urged to focus on the quality of today and not concern ourselves with the worries of tomorrow, living each day to the fullest, ever trusting God to provide us the strength to grow, regardless the circumstances. Thank you my faithful companion, for teaching me daily how to enjoy the qualities of life, always with a wagging tail and enormous smile..... even if just for a little while.

GOOD BOY FISHER!
 



 

RAIN, RAIN, GO AWAY.....

Last weekend I certainly celebrated the "lazy days of summer".  On this rare occasion, I hardly left my sofa, much less my pajamas and my mood was equally pathetic.  Exhausted from this thing called "life", crashing seemed the best option as the stormy weather dictated all outdoor activity cancelled until.... FOREVER!  With no plans and no sunshine in sight, my horizontal mind embraced the gloominess of the weather, and sadness crept in stealing my inner sunshine!

With the steady sound of rain falling, I dozed in and out of consciousness,  and my mind drifted to the places that my life protected!  I intentionally stay busy with an unattainable schedule because I am not comfortable with the empty spaces as they are reminders of missed opportunities, unhealed pain and regret.  I wept.....


When the sun returned Monday morning, so did the usual distractions of my normal life, but perhaps with a clearer understanding of rainy days!  Life's forecast comes complete with as many variables as the weather. A grieving season and tears prove to be as necessary as a summer rain, refreshing the soul, nourishing the spirit, and healing the empty spaces urging on the GROWTH of our bountiful garden!!!

Growing UP!

Even though we grow beyond our roots in distance....they are our foundation, the basis of all we know. You are my friend....my roots!!! I have loved you my whole life!

Stormy Day

Jo has cancer....and today a devastating blow occurred as her recent PET scan revealed more tumors, higher numbers, and DECISIONS!  Processing this reality is daunting and requires much thoughtfulness and prayer......and a little drive in the monsoon rains to a quaint little cafe for lunch and BEER, with a slice of retail therapy for dessert!!!  Today's events are somewhat surreal.....and a little like an excerpt or scene from the movie, "Steel Magnolias", each of us discovering which character we might represent, and more importantly, knowing that our bond of friendship, necessary. While the seriousness of her decisions are not taken lightly, there is truth in "finding the humor" in all circumstances.  We laughed, cried,  joked and discussed completely inappropriate things.....all sprinkled with the undertones of cancer, life and of course, sex!

In my own life, the obvious blessings have come from the friendships forged along the journey!  As women, we must share our stories, our experiences, reaching beyond our own circumstances to encourage others.  It is in this act, we start to heal and love ourselves. Life was never designed to be easy, and yet we all expect a certain amount of comfort.  It is not until we are older that we understand that bad things happen in life not because we are deserving, but because we are alive!  We do not ever plan to be divorced, sick, poor, unhappy or depressed, but God does provide us the tools needed to weather these storms. Many times it takes being knocked to our knees to look up and understand the tools have ALWAYS been there, and God's love unyielding.

I am sad that my friend is dying, but I am blessed beyond measure that she LIVES!!!  I am thankful for her journey and fortunate to share in her story.  Her strength and courage in this fight lends comfort to others faced with this disease....and her focus on others, her healing. 

Day by day, oh dear Lord three things I pray, to see thee more clearly, love thee more dearly....follow thee more nearly...day by day by day by day!!!!